nuohkahtuohpgnoK yerffeJ (evilnaoki) wrote,
nuohkahtuohpgnoK yerffeJ

Inner Thoughts ; An Honest Statement

UPDATE! Added some more

I miss you so much Sasha.

I know you don't want to be involved in my life anymore. I just want one last chance to make things better.

Better in every way possible. Lately, I've been so self-destructive. I wish you would just let me back into your life.

I don't ever feel like myself.

I will beg. I just can't agree to that No.

I'm sorry. I really was a terrible boyfriend. I don't blame you for leaving.

I hooked up with Sam. I can't make it seem like it was her fault, cause anyway I worded would just be stupid. Hooking up is Hooking up. Morally, it's wrong. You still had feelings for me, and I still have much for you. Although we're not together if something like that were to occur to you instead, I'd act the same way.

I've threatened you with suicide threats.
I was always hurting you, having you lie to your parents to see me. And I wasn't even that great.

I'd like to have this time to share with you a brief moment of how guilty I feel and terrible and why I've been so angry.

Those things I've done. Ruined everything. Over time and time again. She'd tell me she wants out, I'd threaten her. I took her for granted. Thinking that no matter what I did, this would always work to make the relationship stay. Stupid fucken me. I was so stupid, evil, cruel, and I deserve to be called more. It was an unconscious act. I did it upon impulse. Then over time, It became an addiction. Stupid, stupid, stupid! So many things I've done wrong. So many that no matter what I say or do. It won't ever better the situation. Or in my favor ways, more or less. It won't work anymore. Nothing will. I contemplate suicide because I feel like it might be the solution. Self-fish. Correct. It only reflect to the fact that I am still a Stupid Mother Fucker if I do. I wanna show Sasha I've changed, but with all this emotional damage I've done to myself. I can't seem to show it. I want to apologize to you, jagi, that I am so sorry. So very sorry and wish you could accept it and just hold me once more. I'm not the man, I thought I'd grow up to be. All this stuff that I've done I've only heard about. I can't believe that I've done those things. This stage I'm in. I feel so disorientated. Displaced. I still believe I have a split personality at times. I am so angry. I was very selfish.

By now, I'm curious if you guys are thinking of me differently.

Do you see why she treats me like this, like shit and utter complete trash? Cause who the hell would wanna put up with this?! I deserve so much more I believe sometimes. Maybe that's why I'm doing all this stuff to myself. Excessive drinking, drugs, drug dealing, exstacey, oxycodon, and putting my body through hours at a time without sleep, hours at a time starving. I feel like I should be treated like SHIT. But with this, I completely bring up the the topic suicide. Or near-boarder-line. Anywho, I want to show that I know that I've done wrong, to show that I have acknowledged everything I did wrong. Everything. I don't think these actions are even the right thing to do, but I feel so less of person by the things I've said and done to this girl who I love. It wasn't love, it was abuse, emotionally. There were their moments, but half of the time it was abuse. I want an apology. I want your acceptance. I want you back.

Intrigued now? You look at me and think a whole another story now. See how stupid I was. So how careless, wreckless, pathetic I was?! Why do you think I'm always sad. Always depressed. not-myself-anymore. I have constant dreams. Flashbacks. Of how mean I was. How much I regret looking at myself. I am so disgusted. It makes me sick looking at myself sometimes. People say when I talk about Sasha it makes them disappointed. You should and shouldn't be. you should be disappointed by everything I've been typing. you shouldn't be disappointed that I can't seem to shake this off. You know how I feel now. Or a good idea of my feelings.


I've tried to commit suicide twice.

Once on the 1st of September. Sunday. I tried to ingest a large dose of prescribed sleeping pills. Didn't work out.

Second. September 30th. Trigged by Sasha knowing that I hooked up with Sam. She told will to watch me, but I made stupid a decision. I was so enraged at everything. I stayed up most of the night. I went to wal-mart. Bought Tylenol and Sleeping Pills. Ingested 4 Sleeping Pills, 8 Tylenol, and 1 six pack of bottled water. Drove to Sasha's house. Threated to come inside. Threated many things, I can't remember the things I've said that night, but I'm sure they weren't the nicest of things to say. I later on passed out in my car around 5. Woke up around 8ish, extremely fatigued. I was amazed I was able to drive. I ditched my first class to sleep. Went to my Chem Class. Left early cause I felt majorly sick. Meet up with Sasha at Macy's Coronado Mall Parking Lot. I couldn't last 5 minutes. I broke out with an argument. I'm not sure what about, but I know we were.

I was furious. I went to my car. Pulled out the entire remaining bottle of the Tylenol and started swallow as much as possible. I don't remember how much I took, but it was well over 25. I was so mad at Sasha I told, "Just leave me to die. If you don't want to be with me. I'll just die! " Selfish. I ended up going to work at 5. I couldn't last more than two hours there. Around 645 ish. I told my coworker I need to get to a hospital. I am trying to kill myself. Sure enough I got what I wanted.

I ended up in Kasemen Hospital. There will called me and asked me about my where-abouts based on what Sasha told him. He came to see me. Told me things will be okay. I never cried so hard in my life. There I slept. Later on that day I got transferred to the Main Presbyterian Hospital. The one on Cedar and Central. From October 1st - 3rd I was in a Hospital Bed. Getting my stomach drained by liquid fluids. 1300mL Bags going at 66mL/Hr. I had to go through three bags. Sasha Visited me there. It was nice of her. Cathy went to see me. And Will took a day off to spend the entire day with me. That was very nice of him.

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I do not fucken humor this.

I can't believe you have the audacity to post such a thing.
LoL. I'm sorta disappointed you're actually surprised I'd post that...

Here is the info to my old shrink. Maybe you'll listen to her because you never listen to the people you call friends. 765 1100 her name is Joan Levine. HOLLAAAAAAAA

I'm not surprised in anyway. It's something you say all the time. I never found it funny. I think it's really rude that you say that to me.

And you expect me to take every bit of advice you give me? You think I need you to guide me in every direction. I have to make my own decisions also. I do take advice, but I can only execute what I believe is also best from what you've said to me. I am not going to do everything you say. Or whomever says.


March 18 2009, 17:00:07 UTC 8 years ago

I wasn't expecting you to take every word of advice I give and that's not at all what i was implying. Good luck in whatever you do.
You know I care about you and you know I'm here if you ever need to talk, but in all honesty, I really don't think you've changed at all, and if you have, it's nothing positive. You even said it yourself: "who the hell would wanna put up with this?!" no one would, Jeffrey. Sasha is a nice girl, and she trusted you. What makes you think a genuine girl like that wants a boyfriend who's going to threaten her all the time, argue with her, see her boyfriend hook up and flirt with a bunch of girls, drink, do drugs, etc. Not even just her, but any girl wouldn't want that in a guy, unless, of course, they were the exact same way.

What you need to do is stop hurting yourself, because you're just making matters worse. Mixing drugs with alcohol is just going to fuck you up, mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially, if you happen to be sent to the hospital again. You don't need to go to a shrink, because paying money to hear someone tell you what's wrong with you is pointless, IMO. That's what good friends are for.

Look at it from my point of view, or your family's, or any-other person who cares about you, Jeffrey - what you're doing is horrible and it needs to stop. You're not only hurting yourself, but you're hurting everyone around you. Please, just think about what I'm saying.
Drugs let me forget the feelings I have and help me sleep. I guess I'm running away from my problems, but what exactly can I do about my problems. Absolutely nothing.

Doing all these drugs started in January. After two months after. We stopped talking around November. Sasha and I stopped talking completely. I can't blame anyone for the reason of why I do drugs, But Vinh and I started hanging out more and I guess you can say he introduced me to all of this stuff.
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